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Tuesday, March 8, 2016

when my life changed

I can still remember exactly the moment, what I was wearing, the time of day, everything the moment my life changed forever. I remember the smell of the room, the way the lights were dimly light...everything. 

I was 37 weeks pregnant with Amelia and just so darn excited. This had been a super easy pregnancy and I couldn't wait to meet my little lady. I went in for my appt expecting it to to be a regular no fuss one. But it wasn't.

My doctor measured my belly but it was measuring really small. I mean I was really small. She wanted to see how the baby was doing and how big she was so she took me into another room and started an ultrasound. We were talking and laughing like no big deal. Then she stopped and kept measuring the same area over and over again. I felt weird...like I knew something was wrong. She then told me she thought the baby had a condition where the opening at the end of her esophagus to her stomach was closed and that's why she was measuring so small. I kind of froze. She said that the only way too fix it was immediate surgery after the baby was born.

Surgery. On my newborn.

She kept talking about how this is really common but it usually only detected after birth when the baby can't hold any food down. She assured me that everything would be okay but that she was sending me to a specialist for a more detailed ultrasound. She said that if they detected this as well that she would induce me that day because the baby would be better off in the outside world. We walked over to her receptionist desk where I sat in a hard, cold chair while she made the appointment for me. I grabbed my phone and text Cameron "we need to talk."

I remember walking out to the car a different person. No more was the careless, happy girl that nothing bad ever happened to. I was a woman, carrying a baby that might need surgery the second she is born. I was a woman that could no longer take care of this baby inside me the way it should be. I was different.

I cried, called Cameron, talked about this, got off the phone and cried some more. 

4 days passed until my scheduled ultrasound. Over the weekend, Cameron and researched the condition and just decided that we were going into this ultrasound knowing that something is wrong and will need to be fixed. We made arrangements for the boys that day, I took my packed bag to the appointment...we were ready. He had a work meeting that could not be missed so I went to appointment by myself. I dropped the boys off at school and drove into Austin. About halfway there I lost it. I didn't want anything wrong with my baby, I wanted her to be perfect, I wasn't at all okay with any of this. I was crying the ugly cry. I was praying, begging God to heal my baby and make her perfect. I remember praying that this would be my last pregnancy and I would never ever again ask him to take care of my unborn baby if he healed her. Just please heal her.

Then I heard the song "The Hurt and the Healer" from Mercy Me on the radio. 

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

These words spoke directly to my heart. It was as if I was being sent a direct sign from above.

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

I immediately felt a peace come over me. I went into the appointment feeling free...free of fear and completely trusting his plan. 

She was perfect. The ultrasound tec said there was not one sign that made her feel that my sweet baby wasn't anything less then perfect. I laid there looking at the screen saying a silent prayer of thanks. Afterwards I went out to the car and cried tears of relief, of joy. I called Cameron and shared the good news to which I heard silence. I knew how he was feeling. Such a heavy burden literally being lifted. 

A week and half later, our little Amelia Marian was born completely healthy. She scored a 9.9 on her apgar. She was perfect in every way. I couldn't put her down. I just wanted her in my arms at all times. I was so thankful that this baby was given to me healthy.

I say that day changed my life forever because it did. I was never the same after it. I had crazy anxiety and fear that I never felt before. I had to work through it and just trust his plan. This took years to be honest. This was the first time I felt vulnerable in this world and turned to God and needed him in a way I never imagined I would. I still look at my kids and wonder if they will always be healthy. Will they always have this easy life they have been given? Only time will tell the answer. I do know that I am so grateful for them and my chance to be their mother. These 3 God has given me I will treasure.

I often get asked if we will have more kids. The answer is probably not. It's not because we couldn't handle it because I know we can. It's not because we are overwhelmed because we aren't. It's because when I was at my lowest, begging for God's mercy he gave it to me and spoke to my heart. He told me these 3 were my children and that gave me peace. 

I've been wanting to write this post for months but was just waiting for the words. Last night as I was trying to go to sleep the words came to me. For whatever reason, this was the moment the post needed to be written. These are feelings that I never shared with anyone but Cameron. It feels good to get it out and I hope brings encouragement to someone. I know that what I went through wasn't even a fraction of what others go through, but it was my moment in life that changed me. Everyone has those to their own degree :)

1 comments:

  1. I have goosebumps still and I read your post ten minutes ago. I want to respond but cant find the words. I know too when my life changed. I was laying in bed after having gotten a negative pregnancy test. It was 4 am and I was really disappointed as I really felt pregnant. I rolled onto my stomach and the verse "For I know the plans I have for you..." was spoken into my head. I KNOW it was God. I got a positive pregnancy test a few days later and a few weeks later we found out it was twins. I know that my attitude about their first year, nursing them, and these terrible twos has been influenced by knowing HE has this under control, not ME. He knows how this will turn out and I know he wants the best for them and our entire family. It's freeing to know I just have to show up. :) I love you my sweet Godly sister. I'm proud to walk this life with you! Thank you, God for our sweet Amelia!

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